School refusal: signs, causes and how to help your child

School refusal, also called school can't, is when a child becomes so distressed about school that they can't go, or can't stay, even though you're trying hard to get them there. It's different from wagging, because you know your child is at home.^[][] It's usually driven by anxiety or something difficult at school or home, not defiance. The sooner you work with the school and get support, the easier the return tends to be.^[][]

School refusal, school can't and school avoidance

There's no agreed definition, and you'll see several names: school refusal, school avoidance, school phobia, school can't and attendance anxiety.^[] Some services, including headspace, now use "school can't". The older term "school refusal" can suggest the child is choosing not to go, while "school can't" puts the focus on what's getting in the way.^[] School refusal isn't a formal diagnosis. It's a description of a child who feels distressed and unable to attend.^[]

Early signs

School refusal can start gradually or suddenly.^[] Watch for:^[][][]

• stomach aches, headaches or feeling sick before school, which get better if your child stays home
• trouble sleeping the night before a school day
• tears, tantrums, begging not to go, or refusing to move on school mornings
• trouble getting out of bed, out of the house or out of the car at drop-off
• lateness, or absences after weekends, holidays, camps or sports days
• missing particular days, such as test days or sports day
• lots of time in sick bay, or frequent requests to call home or be picked up

Autistic children may not be able to tell you they're anxious. Instead, you might see more reliance on routines and special interests, more stimming, or more meltdowns.^[] Some of these signs can also come from other health conditions, so it's worth a GP check.^[]

Common causes

There's rarely one single cause. Common contributors include:^[][][]

• anxiety, including worry about being apart from family, social situations, tests, sports days or speaking in class
• bullying, teasing, or friendship problems
• learning difficulties or falling behind
• conflict with a teacher
• transitions, such as starting school, moving to high school or changing schools
• stressful events at home, such as illness, a death in the family or parents separating

Some research suggests a significant number of students with school avoidance are neurodivergent, and a typical school day can bring sensory overload and anxiety.^[] For autistic children, the triggers might be a crowded assembly, a noisy bus trip, unpredictable lunch breaks, a complex timetable or a change of teacher.^[]

Sometimes the pull is towards home rather than away from school. A child might want to keep an eye on a parent or pet who is unwell.^[]

Find out what's going on

Start by trying to understand it from your child's point of view.^[]

• Pick a calm time to talk. Listen first; you don't need to solve it straight away.^[]
• Ask open questions, such as "If you could change one thing about school, what would it be?"^[]
• Ask your child to rate each part of the day: the trip to school, the classroom, each subject, teachers, friends and breaks. Younger children can point to faces or use thumbs up and down.^[]
• Ask direct questions if you need to: "Is someone being unkind to you? Is the work too hard?"^[]

Working with the school

The best way back is usually to work as a team with the school.^[] Start with the class teacher or year coordinator, and ask about:^[][]

• what's happening for your child, including any bullying and how the school will address it
• support from the wellbeing coordinator, school psychologist or counsellor
• learning support, if schoolwork is part of the problem
• an attendance or student support group to plan your child's return
• a gradual start, such as shorter days or favourite subjects first

A written return-to-school plan, reviewed regularly, keeps everyone on the same page. Kids Helpline suggests it can include a support person at school, a safe space to go when overwhelmed, a discreet way to leave class, flexible workloads, changes to sensory issues such as seating, and recognising effort rather than results.^[]

At home

These strategies from Raising Children can make mornings easier:^[]

• Stay calm. If your child sees you stressed or frustrated, their anxiety can get worse.
• Show you understand: "I can see you're worried. It's hard, and your teacher and I will help you."
• Say "when", not "if": "When you're at school tomorrow..."
• Keep regular morning and evening routines, and get bags and uniforms ready the night before.
• Praise brave steps, like getting dressed for school.
• Ask someone else to do drop-off if you can. Children often cope better saying goodbye at home than at the school gate.
• Keep school hours at home fairly boring, with little screen time.

Balance matters. Being at school while extremely distressed doesn't help a child learn, and your child's mental health comes first. A gradual plan that tackles the real barriers works better than pushing harder.^[]

The risks of waiting

School refusal is unlikely to go away on its own.^[] The longer it goes on, the harder it can be to get back to school.^[][] Long absences mean missed learning and friendships, and they can put strain on the whole family, including parents' work. Research shows school avoidance can contribute to mental health problems, leaving school early and employment difficulties later in life.^[] That's why early action matters more than waiting to see if it passes.

When to involve a GP or psychologist

• If your child says they feel sick, book a GP appointment to check it out. If there's no physical cause, the GP may refer you to a paediatrician, psychologist or psychiatrist.^[]
• If anxiety or low mood seems to be behind it, a psychologist or psychiatrist can assess this. Support for school refusal tends to work better when anxiety or depression is also being treated.^[]
• If your child can't attend at all, professional support is a good idea, especially if your child may have learning difficulties or be neurodivergent.^[]

A mental health treatment plan from your child's usual GP, or a referral from a psychiatrist or paediatrician, may give access to Medicare rebates for sessions with a mental health professional. Ask your GP about current limits.^[] (Hey Sprout doesn't offer Medicare rebates.)

Our guide to when to get help for childhood anxiety covers the warning signs in more detail, and our anxiety page explains how therapy helps.

If you're worried about your child's safety

Some children threaten to hurt themselves when school feels impossible.^[] Take this seriously.

• If anyone is in immediate danger, call 000.
• Call Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800. It's free, confidential and available 24/7 for young people aged 5 to 25.^[]
• Call Lifeline on 13 11 14 for 24-hour crisis support.^[]

If emotions run high at drop-off, these emotional regulation activities can help.

Contact the school this week and ask for a meeting, and book a GP appointment if your child has physical symptoms or seems very anxious. If you'd like to talk about child psychology support, you can send Hey Sprout an enquiry.